Seduction of the independent female

Men sometimes ask how to initiate a relationship with their girlfriend or wife. I am a woman over 40 and a feminist. I have a doctoral degree and own my own consulting firm. I am the sole breadwinner in my family and I have been married over 20 years.

Our relationship had long been in place and I was clearly more comfortable in any realm where I had control. Intimacy was a distant memory. Deep inside I wanted to be taken in hand and was terrified to admit that this superwoman, super mom wanted nothing more than to be submissive. How could I admit that at home I wanted to give up control? I wanted my husband to lead me. I wanted to feel like a woman again and not some efficient money-making machine. I was the one who finally proposed the exchange of power, and I will never regret it.

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I have given the issue of how a man with a wife like me could initiate this concept, test the waters to see what happens, and slowly over the course of several months, assert himself into the role of head of the household. If approached slowly and with love, I believe that a woman will come around. If she doesn't, then certainly a more direct approach right off the bat would probably have backfired big time.

Of course there is risk to pushing, even gently. You could scare her further away. Generally speaking, in a long-term relationship, where love and commitment already exist and a hasty exit without discussion would be unlikely, I would say, move ever forward. Don't give up. Don't backslide. Don't be bullied into your old role. You are taming the shrew, and you must assume she wants to be tamed. Assert control and increase your charm in increments. If you are wrong, she will never give an inch, she will fight you all the way. After months of trying and making no progress, you may need to re-evaluate. You could then put your cards on the table and see what happens.

I am no expert but I believe this approach is worth a try. These are just one woman's suggestions to inspire you. You know your wife or girlfriend best. Use that knowledge to adapt these ideas for her as the individual she is. What would work in one case might be disastrous in another case.

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Occasionally call her your bride when referring to her in front of others (even if she objects: the term implies pride in her beauty as well as some possessiveness).

When at a restaurant, ask what she wants, and then when the waiter comes over, immediately order for her and then yourself.

Always hold her hand in public. Always! This is not optional. Do not let her pull her hand away. If she attempts to walk away, squeeze her hand and gently pull her back to your side. Lean over and whisper in her ear asking her why she needs to leave you. Make her tell you. Then smile, kiss her cheek, and let her hand go. If the excuse is nothing more than a way to get you to let go of her hand, tell her she can do that later and continue to hold her hand. She is unlikely to cause a scene. As she stands there livid, she realizes you literally have the upper hand. She doesn't want to create a scene in public, and you won't let go. She has no choice but to do as you say. Each time this happens, you show her your strength and power over her.

Anticipated response: “Don't ever do that again.”

Reply: “I just love having you near me.” Keep doing it. You may have to take her hand, because she will be unlikely to offer it. Once again, if you do this when others are present, she will hopefully feel too awkward, to refuse. If she pulls away, say quite loudly, “Now honey, don't be that way” and quickly take her hand. Don't let go. You have to be willing to be forceful in this regard even if it may cause others to stare. They will simply think it is a lover's quarrel when they see you are smiling and looking on her with love and she is pouting. You can't let what others think prevent you from proceeding. She may have a higher tolerance for making a scene than you do. Outlast her.

Always open car doors for her.

Anticipated response: “You don't need to do that. I don't like it.”

Reply: “Oh, but I do.” Smile, end of conversation.

Anticipated response: She rushes to the car door before you and opens it herself.

Reply: Open the car door again. Unlock her seat belt. Readjust it so that it fits her snugly making sure to give her breasts a stroke with the back of your knuckles as you do so. Then kiss her on the cheek and say, “Just want you safe, my love.” This is much more intrusive and intimate than the door being opened, so may result in her allowing you to open the car door in the future to avoid this. Other women watching will find it tender and romantic.

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Whenever your efforts to initiate intercourse are rejected, get dressed and leave the house for at least a couple of hours. If she asks where you are going, just respond almost as if you are excited about it, “Out for a drive. You get some sleep. Sweet dreams.” Kiss her on the forehead before you go. The goal is to give her room to doubt her hold on you or at least on your lovemaking. Could you be seeing someone who won't deny you? Is she at risk of losing you? Simply plant this seed by allowing for the possibility in her mind. At some point, you might even stay out all night. (You can sleep in your office). Then if she questions you, simply state, “You were so tired; I didn't think you'd even notice I was gone. I couldn't sleep so I went to the office to catch up on some work.” This should be true by the way. A nervous woman is more likely to take risks in opening herself up to intimacy and abandoning some control.

Never give in to temper tantrums. When she gets bitchy, ignore her completely. If she has PMS, however, pour her a glass of water, hand her two Midol PMS pills, and say, “I love you even when you're all PMSy.” Then ask her if she'd like some cuddle time. Honor her request.

Note left in wallet, “You drive me wild.”

Tell her to close her eyes while you tell her a dream you ‘had’ about her that was sexy and sweet.

If she is in her later 30s to early 50s, tease her often about hitting her sexual peek. Tell her it is obvious that she is hitting it because men can sense it. If you leave town, tell her you may have to get her a chastity belt because you don't want any other men sniffing around while you're gone. [Your assumption that other men would and should be attracted to her will be very flattering, even if she does not appear flattered.]

When you catch her about to wake up, position yourself so that it is obvious that you were admiring her body while she slept. Then when she notices, kiss her on the lips and hip and say: “Good Morning you unbelievably sexy woman, you.”

When you are in public and get separated talking to different people, make sure she catches you looking at her with interest and a smile as if you can't stop thinking about her. Periodically cross the room and as you put you arm around her waist, slide it up so that your hand is under her arm and your fingers are actually along the side of her breast for a moment. Not enough for anyone to notice, but enough for her to realize you just touched her breast in public. Then whisper in her ear before you walk away again, “You look so sexy in that dress.”

Develop the fine art of winking. Wink at her from across the room. Wink at her across the table during a meal out. The wink is an unspoken intimacy and it is very flattering to the recipient. Let other women see you wink at her. They will tell her how lucky she is to have a husband who is so attentive, always holding her hand, opening her car door, putting his arm around her, calling her his bride, etc. The more that others tell her she is lucky, the more she will have to think about the fact that the other husbands don't seem to do this for their wives.

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Anything you can do to make her blush, even if it is in front of strangers (not people she knows.) At the mall, at a restaurant, etc., you can say to the clerk or server, this is my bride of xx years, isn't she absolutely beautiful?” They will of course say yes. Start out by doing this with older women who will find you charming. Then try it with a male, but change the question to, “Aren't I a lucky man.” As a member of the brotherhood of men, unless he still has pimples, he will say, “Yes sir, you certainly are.” You have now elicited a compliment from an unknown male and she has heard it. Is he just saying that to be polite, or does he think it for real? What a total rush for your wife. Even if she protests, your goal has been accomplished, and you can say, “I can't help myself.” It may have been a long time since she thought of herself as a prize.

Make a reservation at a charming bed and breakfast within a short driving distance. On a Saturday afternoon, when you know your calendars are clear, tell her you need her to accompany you on a commonplace errand. Have a bag packed for her in the car trunk. No pyjamas necessary, you simply forgot to pack them. (A toothbrush, cosmetics, medication, change of clothes.) Then drive her to the hotel and check in. Each time she asks, tell her it is a surprise. When you arrive, tell her she needed a mini vacation. Then stroll along a small town and browse antique shops, or something she would enjoy that you would ordinarily hate doing. Be a really good sport about it. Have reservations someplace quiet and romantic for dinner. When you get in bed, tell her how much you love her and you enjoyed spending the day with her. You know how tired she is, so if she wakes up in the night and wants you to make love to her, simply kiss you awake. Whether or not there is intimacy this night is her call. This is her vacation. Your goal is to show her that it is not just about sex, but also about enjoying time together.